Month Three of No Smoking - Fight or Flight

Here I am sitting on my three month anniversary.  I feel pretty accomplished, but I have a secret.  The last week has been a ginormous challenge.  At one point I had a cigarette and lighter in my hand.  I held it there for about an hour, but did not light it.  Eventually I returned it to the loaner, and told them thanks for getting me through.  I have felt like teetering on the edge for about a week now.  I am hanging on by my fingertips, and celebrate that I am still hanging on.

Distraction and acceptance are still the best craving killers for me on a day to day basis.  The pride in my three month long accomplishment is not enough to beat my addictive brain.  Then again, when I was holding that cigarette last week all I could think of was what I would be throwing away, and what I would have to do to start all over again.  I also know very well that the cig I was holding certainly wouldn't make me feel as good as I would want it to.  Either way - holding it in my hand and then turning away from it felt pretty damn good.

I also have to say that I know I have gained some weight.  I don't know how much because I don't own a scale, but my pants are tighter than normal.  I am accepting this and have begun attending a yoga class which is my reward for being able to breathe like a normal person.  No bikini this year!  At least until I am brave enough to join the Pilates class.

With the exception of this past week, I no longer am so focused on not smoking.  My routines, thoughts and feelings are no longer attached to nicotine.  I do not think of cigarettes unless I smell them, and then I think about how much they stink.  This has been a great relief to me.  I remember reading that a lot of people face a challenge on their three month anniversary.  So I am going to get through this - give it a week - and then reassess my situation.  I do not want to start smoking again.  It is just hard because your brain gives you the same uncomfortable feeling as if you were in pain.  Fight or flight.  So I'm still fighting.

3 months 0 days 8 hours and 5 minutes
I have not smoked 1,369 cigarettes and saved $342.36

Month 2 of Quitting Cigarettes Cold Turkey

• February 20, 2012: 1 month; 2 days; 4 hours; 51 minutes.  I have saved $124.51 and have beat 498 cigarettes.
• When I used to smoke I would take my break outside.  I would sit on my deck and think of what I get to do to my garden.  I would look at my plants (or in the winter where my plants will be) and think about how much peace they give me.  For the first time in a little over a month I sat outside and took a break.  I still looked at my plants.  I thought about how I used to smoke, how I would hate myself while smoking.  I did not think about how much I missed the nicotine.  I am starting to think of it in that way.  Not that I missed smoking. I hated smoking.  I hated the way my lips looked while sucking on the filter.  I hated the way smoke looked around my face.  I hated the smell on my fingers, hair and clothes.  But oh that nicotine rush is what I miss.  But now I find my happiness in different ways.  Today I breathed deep and thought how nice it was to have energy today.  I smelled the soggy leaves and felt the warm sun.  I am grateful for not constantly depending on nicotine to allow me to be happy about these things.
• February 21, 2012: 1 month; 3 days; 3 hours 0 minutes.  I have saved $127.97 and have beat 512 cigarettes. 
• Quick note that today is the first time I was face to face with a cigarette.  I went over to visit with my neighbor, who is a 2 pack a day smoker, and he offered me a cigarette.  I turned him down of course, but spent an hour or so with him and three smoked cigarettes.  He buys loose tobacco because it is cheaper.  Ugh.  I can still smell it on me.  I have not showered yet, but oh my gosh.  I know I used to smell like this and it never bothered me.  It smells like I am wearing cheap, nasty perfume that does not fade.  I can not get used to it.  I absolutely did not want a cigarette.  In fact, being in that room with no ventilation I felt like I was in a gas chamber.  How did I inhale that for so long?  Geez.  To see this from the other side is a whole new experience.  Like I stated before, I have to say I am addicted to nicotine because I could never inhale smoke again.
• March 1, 2012: 1 month; 12 days; 12 hours; 0 minutes.  I have saved $163.13 and have beat 653 cigarettes.  
• So it seems like I have a new recurrence of my body detoxing itself.  I am low on energy, high on stuffy nose, sore throat and coughing up phlegm.  I even have cold sores. I do not have a "cold" so I am thinking this is still detoxification. So this kind of sucks.  My vitamin taking inspired my daughters to take vitamins so I ran out.  Wondering if that may have to do with it also.  Who knows.  I will do some research.  
• Cravings are minimum - though present.  More than anything it is like remembering a past even in my life.  I acknowledge the craving for what it is and move on with my life.  It feels pretty darn good to live my life smoke free.  I have only really let a handful of people know that I am not smoking.  

New benefits: overall energy typically increases and symptoms like coughing, nasal congestion, fatigue, and shortness of breath diminish.  Also the small hairlike projections lining your lower airways begin to function normally.  This increases your lungs' ability to handle mucus, clean the airways and reduce infections.

Two Month Anniversary

Today is my two months no smoking.  Complete cold turkey from all sources of nicotine for 60 days.  No gum, patch, prescription, lozenge or e-cigarette.  I didn't wean myself down, change to a lighter cigarette, or a heavier one.  I didn't sneak one during stressful times, give myself excuses or dig through an ashtray.  I accepted my cravings for what they were, rode them out, and talked myself through.

I think about cigarettes every day.  Sometimes I think about how grateful I am to not smoke.  I love that I don't smell like cigarettes.  I think about my health a lot, and hope and pray I didn't do too much lasting damage.

I think about smoking a lot.  I miss inhaling smoke.  I miss holding a cigarette in between my fingers.  I miss the routine of it.  What the hell?

I look at those things like a memory of an old, toxic friend.  You know one of them?  They made you feel like shit and you still continued to stay friends.  You lost touch with them until you get a friend request on Facebook and you accept?  Yeah.  Cigarettes.  I just have to remember to stay away.  All the way.  Not a single puff.

Day 42: More Detoxification from Nicotine

• So it seems like I have a new recurrence of my body detoxing itself.  I am low on energy, high on stuffy nose, sore throat and coughing up phlegm.  I even have cold sores. I do not have a "cold" so I am thinking this is still detoxification. So this kind of sucks.  My vitamin taking inspired my daughters to take vitamins so I ran out.  Wondering if that may have to do with it also.  Who knows.  I will do some research.  
• I do want to mention that during my first month of cigarettes I barely coughed.  My smoker's cough disappeared but I did not cough up anything gross either.  I was expecting this because of what I have read - that the lungs try to purge themselves of nastiness.  So I am thinking that they are doing this now.
• Cravings are minimum - though present.  More than anything it is like remembering a past event in my life.  I acknowledge the craving for what it is and move on with my life.  It feels pretty darn good to live my life smoke free.  I have only really let a handful of people know that I am not smoking. 

Support is Vital to the Quit

I think that it is really important for people to let their family know that they plan on quitting cigarettes.  In the past my addiction was so terrible that the shame of telling them I relapsed was not enough to keep me from picking up a cigarette.  I wouldn't tell them right away though.  I would smoke, hide it for awhile, get annoyed with the inconvenience of closet smoking and then finally give in and let them know I relapsed.  I never thought to call them before I smoked that cigarette. 


One thing I can say is that if you do want to start smoking again and you take the time to call the people you love and let them know before you pick up that cigarette it may be a last chance to defer from giving in to a craving.  By talking to these people - it gets me through the craving, reminds me of how much I am loved and reaffirms why I am quitting because they are going to tell me.  They are the support group.


Around my month anniversary I hit a pretty big roadblock that, of course, caused me to want to smoke pretty bad.  - I had on my shoes, my car keys were in hand and I had talked myself into smoking.  I was in despair because I had given up. - I just happened to be talking to my husband at this time.  It was like he was talking a suicide jumper off the ledge.  It worked - he reminded me of all the reasons why I did not want to go buy those cigarettes.  


I think that it is necessary to choose the right type of people to support you through the quit.  They have to be positive, they have to understand addiction to nicotine and they have to have an unending supply of patience.  If you are lucky enough to have even one person like this to call during your quit - then share with them your quit experience.  Their input will be invaluable.  I hope someday I can return the favor.


NOT A SINGLE BIT OF NICOTINE - YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T HANDLE IT - RESIGNING TO JUST ONE IS RESIGNING TO START SMOKING AGAIN - THIS KEEPS ME GOING.

Knowing My Nicotine Triggers

So I made this list at the beginning of my quit.  My goal was to avoid these triggers so that I did not have to suffer through unnecessary cravings.  


Coffee

Alcohol

Stress

Driving

Rewards: terms of new rewards - book read time, craft time, think different ways to break from daily routines.

A new routine.


Now I am into my second month of quitting and I have to smile about thinking I had to avoid such things.  I am not a big drinker, so I have yet to achieve that hurdle.  As the weather gets warmer I will face more social challenges.


I think the best thing about facing a trigger is that you grow stronger each time you choose not to smoke.  Every step you make strengthens your quit resolve and the trigger looses its power. 


I drive without thinking about cigarettes, even in stressful rush hour traffic.  I make it through stressful situations (I have two teenage daughters) with a passing thought of a cigarette that disappears quickly. I enjoy my coffee every day, and I no longer wish to pair it with a cigarette.


What I have learned that is very important for every beginning quitter to know is that triggers loose their power very quickly.


I think that whenever I thought about quitting I feared facing these triggers over and over again for weeks, months and years.  I do not have to face those triggers repeatedly and they do not cause me cravings.  Triggers loose their power quickly.  


This is not to say I will not face cravings.  I know I must stay vigilant against possible triggers that will sneak up on me.  I just want to express my relief that triggers loose power once they are confronted.  This empowerment is what keeps me finish each day nicotine free.

Day 33: First Contact with a Cigarette in a Closed Room

Quick note that today is the first time I was face to face with a cigarette.  I went over to visit with my neighbor, who is a 2 pack a day smoker, and he offered me a cigarette.  I turned him down of course, but spent an hour or so with him and three smoked cigarettes.  He buys loose tobacco because it is cheaper.  Ugh.  I can still smell it on me.  I have not showered yet, but oh my gosh.  I know I used to smell like this and it never bothered me.  It smells like I am wearing cheap, nasty perfume that does not fade.  I can not get used to it.  I absolutely did not want a cigarette.  In fact, being in that room with no ventilation I felt like I was in a gas chamber.  How did I inhale that for so long?  Geez.  To see this from the other side is a whole new experience.  Like I stated before, I have to say I am addicted to nicotine because I could never inhale smoke again.