Day 30: A Month Passes Quickly

I am on my 30th day.  When I wake tomorrow morning I will have completed these 30 days.  I have not forgotten some of the more challenging days.  Specifically the day I lay on the couch and cried all day long.   I go through my month of writings and think of all I have accomplished.  The challenging days always seemed to be rewarded, which gives me hope.  I hope my family reads this and thinks about their own quit. I hope they see that if I can do this they can too.  I want to see them succeed.

Posting on this blog has saved me many a times, and I will continue often.  I want to focus my energy on more education.  I want to empower myself and others with positive thinking and healthy attitudes.  I have laid a 30 day foundation.  By no way am I done or safe from a relapse so I will continue to share my journey.  I hope others will follow along.

So much has changed over this month.  I love the new me.  I love not thinking of smoking in the morning.   All of the advantages I have gained make me crave a non-smoking day as much as I used to crave a cigarette.  I want that for all of the people I love.  I want them to take this same journey.

Day 29: Positive Attitude is a Key to No Nicotine

We always hear about how well positive reinforcement works for many different situations.  When we try to teach a new concept, positive reinforcement is usually the best advice possible.  The same attitude is important for quitting smoking.  As a smoker who thinks about quitting we often view what we are giving up instead of think about what we might be gaining.  I think this is because we really do not know what we gain until we experience it.  Smokers do not know what to expect out of a life of not smoking, so how can we reinforce our quit?  Kind of hard to do so.

Many advice websites focus on the bad effects of cigarettes, and those things are very true.  Cigarettes cause ugly, nasty side effects and most smokers can recite all of those effects by heart.  A smoker obsesses over what cigarettes do to her body every time they light a smoke.  Every hitch in breath and pain makes her wonder if cigarettes have finally made irreparable damage.  Educating oneself about how disgusting cigarettes are and what they do to our body is very important, but not enough to get people to quit.  Maybe for a week or two, but fear does not usually sustain a quit.

What comes next?  How can positive reinforcement help our quit become successful?  This is what I do.

• I am always smelling my hair, clothes and fingers.  The behavior is a little strange, but has gotten me through more than a couple of cravings.  For some reason when I smell the clean scent of my own non-smoking being, it completely reinforces what I am doing.
• My sense of smell and taste were greatly affected when I smoked.  I could bury my nose in a bouquet of roses and not smell them.  Now, whenever I taste or smell anything I remind myself of how wonderful the experience is.  I do not want to lose it, and therefore I make sure I never take advantage of how glorious a lemon drop really tastes.
• I read.  I read about other people's quits.  I read forums, blogs and books.  I read about addiction and habits.  I read to educate myself and to laugh.  I have my favorite websites that I visit every day.  I read positive information about making health, life and love better.
• I think about the experiences that open up for me every day.  The walks and hikes that fulfill my soul and my body.  The extra time for myself and my family.  My ability to think clearly is indescribable and positive.  
• I focus on my health now.  I think about what I eat, drink and how active I am.  I take vitamins every day.  I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.
• When I smoked I was really hard on myself.  I hated myself everyday.  I did not think good of myself as a woman or a mother.  I put myself down for various reasons.  I do not do this now.  I am proud of myself now.  I feel good for what I have done.  I feel good as a mother.  I feel strong and capable.  I feel like I have a spine for standing up against my cravings instead of giving in to them.  

Day 28: The Day in the Life of a Non-Smoker

I feel like I need to keep updating how I am feeling because when I was still smoking I was most curious about what would happen to me.  This is the main reason why I want to share this blog with other smokers. We are so afraid of going through the unknown.  As a smoker, it is scary to not know what life is like without cigarettes.  That used to be my biggest fear.

• How do I start my day without cigarettes and coffee?  
• Well I still start my day with coffee.  Strangely enough I stopped missing this routine quickly into my quit.  Now I sleep in a little later than normal, and I still enjoy my morning coffee.  I do miss sitting outside in the morning, but I think by the time spring is here I will be able to do so without triggering a craving.

• How do I reward myself for a job well done (cleaning, writing, working, cooking, projects)?  
• I have found that I do not need a reward/break in between each and every task that I complete.  This is really only an aspect of the nicotine addiction.  What was really happening was my body withdrawing in between tasks.  Now that I do not have that physical withdrawal every 1/2 hour, I do not "need" a reward.

• Talk to my mom or gram on the phone?
• This one is tough for me because the association with talking to them and smoking goes back decades.  Literally since I was a teenager.  Big time trigger.  I actually have not talked to them as much as I usually do, which is sad and I miss them.  I know once I get through the first long conversation my brain will rewire itself.

• Drive long distances?  
• Long distance driving is about the boredom.  Funny enough I do talk on the phone occasionally and that helps.  Have you ever tried to smoke, drive and talk?  It is challenging.  So I have gotten an occasional call to Gram on my long drives.  I have a harder time with the stress levels of driving in rush hour traffic to cause triggers more than anything.

• What do I do after I finish eating?
• Once again, I no longer need to satisfy a nicotine withdrawal.  I really think that is why a cigarette seems so satisfying after a dinner.  The social activity + not smoking for a period of time automatically makes the after eating cigarette much more satisfying.  Those nicotine receptors are empty and begging to be filled.

• Will I enjoy my afternoon coffee?
• The only answer I need for this question is this: 

• When I get angry, upset, sad, happy or bored?
• Dealing with the wide range of emotions has been quite an adventure.  I have found that I can think clearly because I am not blaming my feelings on withdrawal.  I am able to hash out my real feelings and try to decide how I want to deal with them.  Not smoking during this time has been a challenge, but it has also been eye opening.  I have realized that I did not even know the real me.
• How to end my day without smoking before bed?
• I write this blog to end my day, and I have to say that I really enjoy writing here.  I enjoy thinking about my day, and sharing it with others.  I fall asleep with a full breathe in my lungs and a clean mouth and teeth.  My fingers and hair do not smell and I feel good about myself and my body.  Instead of falling asleep wondering how fast I am killing myself, I fall asleep thinking of what a good thing I did today, not smoking.

Day 27: Keeping Up the Momentum

So I find it interesting that I feel as if I have lost my good health vibe.  I do not know if I am just in a slump, and how do I get out of this lazy behavior?  It really takes a lot of hard work to change your life, health and habits.  Day to day activities and stresses can easily pop up and get in the way.  It is necessary to constantly stay vigilant about what to eat, where to exercise and stay on guard against cravings.  These are some of my goals during this week.

• I need to keep up with exercising even when it is cold.  I use the cold as an excuse not to get out and walk.  I could very easily exercise at home, and the girls want me to get a membership at the gym.
• I really have to cut down on the coffee.  I have not slowed my consumption down.  I am still drinking too much in the afternoon.  I have green tea and fresh lemons.  
• I have lost interest in feel good foods and I am reaching for the cookies way too often.  I need to make sure I am eating the correct stuff. 

I do want to say that one of the reasons I am slacking is because I have not had to distract myself away from cravings.  Very seldom do I feel the need to smoke.  When I do think about smoking, I see the old habit as a hole in my being.  I have gotten lazy filling this hole with positive behaviors and reinforcement so that I do not want to fill it with smoke.  An example was taking the kids for an outing yesterday.  I need day to day habits to help me feel fulfilled in addition to the special treats.

Am I being to hard on myself?  I do not think so.  I think I must stay vigilant so that relapse is not possible. I never, ever want to take another puff.  Ever.

Day 26: The Benefits of Not Smoking

Instead of spending my afternoon smoking and drinking coffee on my deck, I took my daughters to the 2012 Cripple Creek Ice Festival.

Who would choose smoking over this memory?

We had a great time.  They loved how the ice flew away from the chainsaw in arcs of snow.  

This sculpture was about 12 feet tall.  A very moving tribute.

A lot of the sculptures are sturdy enough for the kids to climb on.

They use a clothes iron to make the ice so crystal clear.  Most of the sculptures were not finished yet.

Each block weighs about 350 pounds. 

 Visitors to the festival were able to have names of their fallen soldiers added to the wall. 

Day 25: Dealing with Anger and Irritability During a Quit

Angry like a Steaming Kettle
I want to say that I was really worried about always being angry, upset and sad.  It seemed as if I would never be happy again.  I felt that I would always have anger issues because I had ruined how my brain handles stress.  During the beginnings of a quit the only thing I could do was distract myself from what I was angry about.  I had to tell myself that I am not really this angry about my situation, and that only my brain is not ready to handle the problem at hand.  Usually this tactic worked.  I did not want to succumb to my anger - I held down a lot of feelings.  Some still leaked through.

A Little Farther into the Quit
Now I know that I am more in tune with my feelings than ever before.  I do not have as many uncontrollable surges of anger.  Now I know I can not blame my angry or irrational feelings on nicotine relapse.  Now I have to face those feelings and reactions.  I have to assess why am feeling and acting the way I do, and figure out what changes and responsibilities that I have to take.  Pretty scary feeling when 25 days ago all I had to say is, "I need a cigarette."

A Path to Self Discovery
So this is something new I am learning about myself.  Who knew that quitting smoking would bring on so many changes?  Who knew that smoking affected not just my physical health, but also my mental health?  I have been hiding for so long behind my cigarettes that I had no idea how self destructive I was being.  I was cheating myself out of being a well rounded adult that can assess situations in a healthy manner.  Now I am not only learning how to eat, exercise and get through a day without smoking.  I also have to learn how to think through situations differently.

Day 24: Warm Enough to Walk

I went on a very long hike today.  It finally warmed up enough to get out and enjoy the outdoors again and it felt so good to move my body.  I can really tell a difference in my breathing while hiking steep hills.  My muscles seem to warm up faster, and I am able to climb without as much muscle fatigue.  I know that I am nowhere near where I need to be, but it feels really good to exercise.

We actually climbed around the backside of a pretty large rock outcropping.  I am scared to death of anything higher than ten feet.  Our trail was next to a straight four story drop.  Amazing views, but my adrenaline was really pumping.

With not smoking, I have come to value this exercise. I am grateful for the mild winter, as February in Colorado is usually quite chilly.  Today, I only wore a t-shirt.  Fabulous day!

Day 23: My First Cigarette

15,000

I and my best friend Brandi stole a whole pack of cigarettes from my parent's carton that they kept on the fridge.  I remember puffing on the darn things, not inhaling, but thinking we were pretty cool.  We were twelve. Cigarettes turned into a habit by the time I turned thirteen.  We would sneak, steal and even find cigarette machines to buy them from.  Access to cigarettes was simple, and really only mean scrounging enough money for the next pack.  

Twenty-five years.  That is over 15,000 hours of doing nothing but smoking a cigarette.  Sure I may have been reading or talking, but my fingers saw 15,000 hours of holding a cigarette.  My lungs held smoke in them for 15,000 hours.  This realization makes me very ill.  More than ill, I am angry.  Angry enough to get through another day.  Angry enough that I never want to waste another minute for nothing.  Nothing.  15,000.  I want to cry for what I have wasted.

The Biggest Tragedy of My Smoking Habit

I found out this year that my 15 year old daughter smokes.  She enjoys it.  Never wants to quit.  All of her friends smoke.  My guilt and sadness is overwhelming.  So sad.  I can't help but feel that this is my fault.  I never smoked in the house or the car, but still it was there.  It was a part of her because it was a part of her momma.  Now she has made it her own reality.

I could not smoke without thinking about what she is up against, and my responsibilities.  She feels she won't quit smoking and getting her to quit will be impossible - I have to do everything I can.  The first step was to stop myself.  I have 22 notches in my belt.  Now I need to educate her.  Scare her.  I don't know.  I can't let her do this.  I can't let her relive my life.

Day 22: Body and Mind Update

Thought I would give you an update of how my body is doing since I have not been ingesting all of the toxins in cigarette smoke.  I guess this overview will also give you an idea of how terrible my body used to feel.

• My sense of smell and taste have improved quite a bit.  I have noticed that processed foods are way too salty for my tastes.  The food I cook from scratch usually needs more salt though, which is kind of strange.  Where's the balance?  Ha!  My sinuses are no longer clearing themselves out the way they did earlier in my quit.
• I do not have canker sores or a sore throat like I did last week.  Going through a week of mouth pain was a really good way for me to get through some cravings.  I thought of all the toxins leaving the tissues in my throat and mouth.  I thought of how my body is adjusting to not having smoke sear my throat and how my gums now have a chance of not receding.
• My eyes used to be bloodshot and watery by the end of the evening.  This is not happening any more.  My eyes are clear and they do not burn unless I am extremely tired.
• It is so nice not to smell cigarettes on my fingers and hair.  
• I am really sensitive to the smell of smoke on other people, their clothes, automobiles and breath.
• My chest no longer hurts by the end of the day or when I take deep breathes.  I am not constantly coughing up phlegm.  I am not breathing heavy by the end of the night.
• I am not dizzy or nauseous.  I do not feel vertigo if I stand up too quickly.  
• Every night before bed I would pray for the strength to quit tomorrow.  Now before bed I give thanks for another day of no nicotine.
• My energy levels have increased dramatically.  Now I know when I am tired it is because I may have lost sleep.  When I smoked cigarettes I would lose energy by 10 am and not be able to recover for the rest of the day.  I knew how many cigarettes I could smoke before this loss of energy.  I used to call it my, "poison levels".  Serious.
• My thinking, analyzing and deductive skills are all much clearer.  My productivity has increased and I am having an easier time concentrating.
• I am not losing patience as easily due to needing a cigarette.  I still don't have a lot of patience but now I can not blame it on withdrawal.
• I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.  I snack throughout the day.  I drink a lot of water.  I take vitamins every single day.  When I smoked I would go a whole day forgetting to eat.  The only time I would remember to eat is if my blood sugar became so low that I would shake.  I do not shake anymore.
• I exercise.  I run up the stairs in my house.  I take the stairs at the library.  I walk if I can.  I think about what types of exercises I want to do when it warms up.  I am thinking about extending my daughter's membership at the Y to a family membership.  I am setting goals, such as completing the Incline on my 90 day anniversary.
• I do not immediately think of cigarettes upon waking, eating, sleeping or anything else.  The only time I think of a cigarette is during a trigger.  The fact that I am thinking of other things when I wake up feels amazing.  I hated waking up and the first thing I thought of was a cigarette.