Here I am sitting on my three month anniversary. I feel pretty accomplished, but I have a secret. The last week has been a ginormous challenge. At one point I had a cigarette and lighter in my hand. I held it there for about an hour, but did not light it. Eventually I returned it to the loaner, and told them thanks for getting me through. I have felt like teetering on the edge for about a week now. I am hanging on by my fingertips, and celebrate that I am still hanging on.
Distraction and acceptance are still the best craving killers for me on a day to day basis. The pride in my three month long accomplishment is not enough to beat my addictive brain. Then again, when I was holding that cigarette last week all I could think of was what I would be throwing away, and what I would have to do to start all over again. I also know very well that the cig I was holding certainly wouldn't make me feel as good as I would want it to. Either way - holding it in my hand and then turning away from it felt pretty damn good.
I also have to say that I know I have gained some weight. I don't know how much because I don't own a scale, but my pants are tighter than normal. I am accepting this and have begun attending a yoga class which is my reward for being able to breathe like a normal person. No bikini this year! At least until I am brave enough to join the Pilates class.
With the exception of this past week, I no longer am so focused on not smoking. My routines, thoughts and feelings are no longer attached to nicotine. I do not think of cigarettes unless I smell them, and then I think about how much they stink. This has been a great relief to me. I remember reading that a lot of people face a challenge on their three month anniversary. So I am going to get through this - give it a week - and then reassess my situation. I do not want to start smoking again. It is just hard because your brain gives you the same uncomfortable feeling as if you were in pain. Fight or flight. So I'm still fighting.
3 months 0 days 8 hours and 5 minutes
I have not smoked 1,369 cigarettes and saved $342.36
