Letter to Me

Dear Regan,
You are reading this so you can remember why you don't want to take that cigarette and light it.  You are going to remember that the craving lasts only three minutes and then you can move on, go on and continue with your non-smoking self.  You are going to remember that if you light that cigarette you are going to start again, it won't be just one, or just one night or that you never ever want to go through withdrawal again.

You know the smell of smoker.  Doesn't your shampoo and soap and perfume smell so much better?  How about the smell of your clothes?  Do you prefer the smell of stale tobacco or the smell of your dryer sheets?  Remember scouring the ashtray for a refry?  Or lighting the filter end and not realizing it?  How about the smell of a wet ashtray?

What about your body, Regan?  Remember that?  Remember coughing up nasty phlegm and the heavy breathing?  Do you remember wondering what the ache in your chest was?  How heavy you felt?  How you did not have any energy?  How about the racing heartbeat?  How you would get dizzy and lightheaded when you stood up too fast?  How your eyes would be watery and bloodshot?

You couldn't smell a thing, even burying your nose in a flower.  No summer rain, fresh cut grass, or pine trees in the mountains.  You couldn't smell a fresh cut tomato, cookies baking or melted cheese.  Taste was gone too.  Everything tasted pretty much the same or just seemed like the muted boring version of itself.  Fresh foods or canned, they all tasted the same.

Think of all the time you wasted.  Sure you were outside but were you doing what you wanted?  Were you out hiking, walking, biking or anything?  No.  Not as much as you wanted to.  What has changed for you?  What has replaced this time you spent smoking every day?  Can you afford to give up that time?  Do you want to exchange it?

Do you remember never eating.  How you skipped breakfast and possibly lunch.  How you drank two, sometimes three pots of coffee a day?  That is how you energized yourself.  Caffeine and nicotine.  How you abused yourself every day with poisons and starvation.

Remember how anxious you felt about all of these symptoms.  You are free from the monkey now.  You do not have fear now.  Think about how tired you were if you smoked too much.  Do you remember telling yourself how you ingested too many poisons today, and they leached your energy - maybe tomorrow will be better?  

You took the steps to clean out, dry out and treat yourself with a little self respect.  Do not pick up that cigarette.  There is nothing good from it.  Let it go.  Let the craving pass over you and move on.  You deserve something better than what you have been living.

I love you.
Regan